Over the years I've been perplexed by the "deep" questions in life...questions like "Why does evil exist?", or "Why do men have nipples?".  Questions such as these have caused me many sleepless nights.  Sometimes, I've found answers to these tough questions, such as "How Many Allertists does it take to change a light bulb?"--see my journal entry of the same name for the answer to this profound question.  Sometimes, however, I need help.  And such was the case when recently the the most profound, perplexing question of my life entered my head:

Why did the Allergist cross the road? 

I needed help on this one.  And I needed it bad.   I was fortunate to catch Jim   in the hallway, and query him on this.  Jim is a savvy doc and I knew he'd have the answer.  His answers/comments were so profound that I am copying the transcript verbatim, for the benefit of my blog readers.  Herewith is our conversation: 

Me:  "Hi Jim"

Jim:  "Hi George"

Me:  "Jim, I've been thinking, and I need--"

Jim:  "Whoa there.  You've been thinking again?  You know that's a high-risk lifestyle behavior for you...  Ever think of cutting back?  Gradually tapering down?  I think I could order you a patch to help.  I know it'll be tough to quit, but would you give it a try?

Me:  "Cut the crap, Jim.  This is serious.  I need help.  I'm going crazy with a question I can't answer.

Jim:  "You're already crazy.  But no matter.  What's the question?

Me:  "Why did the Allergist cross the road? 

Jim:  "Why did the Allergist cross the road?

Me:  That's what I said.  I'm not looking for an echo chamber, I'm looking for an intelligent response.  Think you're up to it, or will I be disappointed again?

Jim:  That's an easy question to answer.  Because he didn't.

Me:  He didn't what?

Jim:  He didn't cross the road.  He never has.

Me:  Your're kidding.

Jim:  No, I'm not kidding. Crosslink-my-IgE-and-hope-to-die-not-kidding.

Me:  He didn't cross the road--this is for real?

Jim:  Right.  Like I said.  Never crossed.

Me:  Didn't cross at all.

Jim:  Nope.

Me:   Jim, this isn't one of your sick jokes, is it? 

Jim:  My jokes aren't sick--they maintain a very healthy proactive lifestyle--unlike your thought processes...But to answer your question, no, this isn't one of my jokes.

Me:  You're sure?

Jim:  I'm sure.

Me:  So the Allergist never crossed the road, then?

Jim:  You're a quick learner.

Me:  But what about the chicken data?  You know, that chickens cross the road to get to the other side?

Jim:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  We all know about the animal studies, and in fact four recent meta-analyses on randomized double-blind placebo-controlled crossover trials in chickens concluded that road crossing is safe and effective--in animals.  But unfortunately there are no human studies, and you know what that means...

Me:  Oh no, that doesn't mean what I think it means, does it?

Jim:  You bet your basophils it does.  Road crossing is an unapproved technique; the FDA hasn't approved it for human use yet. 

Me:  An unapproved technique?  That's like having smallpox!  No allergist will ever attempt to cross the road if it's labeled an unapproved technique...

Jim:  That's right.  And most importantly, no insurance company will reimburse the allergist to cross the road either.

Me:  You mean all the allergists are standing on the side of the road, and have never even tried to cross?  So they're going nowhere? They're just standing on the side of the road?

Jim:  George, when did allergists ever get enthusiastic about going anywhere with a new technique?  Simply put:  Chickens cross the road, allergists are sheep...But cheer up, George, there are anecdotal reports of some ENT's crossing the road successfully to get to the other side. 

Me:  But what about the American Chicken Agricultural Association Industry and the American Animal Agricultural Association Industry? What's their position on this issue?

Jim:  You mean the ACAAI and the AAAAI? 

Me:  Yeah, what do they say?

Jim:  Well, the ACAAI and the AAAAI and their corporate sponsors from Big Farma have formed committees to look into road crossing although I would add that to my knowledge, no one on these committees has actually had clinical road crossing experience. 

Me:  But road crossing is safe, and it's effective to get to the other side!

Jim:  Well, we may know that, but the ACAAI and the AAAAI have adopted a "slow walk" policy to assess safety and efficacy of this "unproven technique"... They say many questions remain unanswered: exactly how fast should we walk?  Do we look both ways or one way before crossing?  Do we hold hands when we walk across the road?  Many questions remain. 

Me: That sounds like chicken sh** to me. 

Jim:  Relax--cut the profanity, ok?  No need to get so hot and bothered about this...You know, you're getting to be like that head-case whose got that blog...the Angered-Allergist, or something like that out there. 

Me:  ...

Jim:  Face it:  that's the way life is sometimes....eventually, the Allergist will cross the road, and get to the other side. 

Me:  Yeah, well I just hope it's in my lifetime...

Jim:  And by the way, remember what I said about cutting back on your thinking?  I've changed my mind on that one.  You should just quit.  Cold turkey.